19 September 2009 (Saturday) - Westwell

I was rather late to bed last night. I’d been asked to perform a special request, and it’s ages since we last did anything on You-Tube. I wonder how long it will be until my latest video is pulled.

Then we got on our bikes – to the rugby club where we met Matt, and then on to Westwell. As we came past Chippy’s house we stopped and tinged our bells in a rather disrespectful manner, but no one came out to rise to the bait, so we pressed on. The Wheel at Westwell is somewhere I’ve not visited for some time, and it was perhaps a little too close to home for a decent cycle out. Joined by the “motorists”, seven of us sat down to “lunch” – and it was good. In the interests of weight loss, I continued the vegetarian lifestyle, and only had the one pint before moving on. The route home was cunningly planned to bring us past the Hare and Hounds where we had a pint of afters. The original plan was to then follow the cycle path back home, but we realised that it would be far more scenic (and not too much of a detour) to follow the lane down to Great Chart. There was a pub there where we could have a beer to reward ourselves for all the cycling – the first beer being to accompany dinner, and the second being afters.

And then home. The neighbours have seen rats in their garden. The man from the council says the rats are probably camping out underneath our shed. They’d have a job – the shed is flat to the concrete patio. There’s nothing under the shed for them to be in. The other neighbour seemed to think the sound of the pond was attracting the rats. He also said that rats are becoming a problem up and down the street since flats were built on the wasteland a few hundred yards away.

He may well have a point, but I’ve not had any problem with rats for a couple of years. Or, perhaps more accurately, I’ve not been aware of any problem. Having said that, it’s very easy to go on the defensive when something like rats is discussed. People have seen rats out there, and something needs to be done. After all, we did have them under the old shed, and we have had mice before. I’ve got a theory that the rats are in our flat roof above the bathroom. I’ve put up some poison and I shall check eBay for ultra sonic rat deterrents. From what I can see on line, the ultra sonic stuff won’t upset the fish, so maybe that would work.

The evening was spent pleasantly drinking continental wheat beers to excess, finally staggering home at 2am. Can’t be bad…

18 September 2009 (Friday) - Radio 4

I woke at 5.45am this morning thinking there had been a gas explosion. Then I realised that it was “My Boy ^TM ” going to work. You’d think I’d be used to his noise by now. Hopefully it will be quiet tomorrow as he’s gone fishing for the weekend.

I set off to work via Asda (it’s on the way when cycling) where I got my “lunch” - a “weight watchers tortilla wrap” which was almost, but not quite, as lame as salad. I arrived at work early, and started the day with a cup of green tea. It’s foul, but I have it on good authority it starts off my metabolism. I was hitherto of the opinion that had my metabolism stopped, I would be dead, but it seems I am wrong. Green tea starts it off. One lives and learns.

I sat down to a pile of work, and tuned the work’s PC to radio 4.

Half way through a surprisingly interesting article about Nelson Mandela, one of the trainees asked what I was doing. I made a rather supercilious speech about having the freedom to listen to radio, and how interesting and educational radio 4 is, and about how mundane and dull the radio in the main laboratory is. I felt a bit of a twit when I eventually realised that the trainee wasn’t asking about the radio. He was asking why I was at work before 9am when I wasn’t due to start until 11.30am. Woops!

The radio then had an article on premier league footballers. 96% of the population feel they are overpaid. Apparently that statistic is the highest agreement on any subject radio 4 has ever had. An ex-premier league footballer tried to justify the pay by pointing out that the career of the average premier league footballer isn’t that long, and they need to earn a lifetime’s wages (plus pension) in less than a couple of years. I can’t see that myself. What’s wrong with getting a job after the footballing’s done?

Next came a damning report on the outbreaks of E. coli that are making people ill across the country. Various tourist resorts are being held responsible for the children who are now sick. It seems odd that a farm can be blamed for that which grows naturally on a farm. E coli comes from animal poo. If you go near an animal, you go near E. coli. It’s that simple. Any blame for the sick children should be laid firmly at the feet of those who took the children to see the animals. You simply don’t take a child to see farm animals if the child can’t keep its fingers out of its mouth. You don’t. End of story. Rather basic, really.

And then to lower my blood pressure, the afternoon play was about a milk float race from Middlesex to Bognor Regis. The afternoon ended with something about the impending retirement of Terry Wogan, and his planned replacement with Chris Evans. I don’t listen to either, and have no idea what either is like, but the BBC would seem to be under a hail of criticism about the choice. It would seem that there is no clear distinction between radio 1 and radio 2 these days, and the choice of Chris Evans is merely muddying the waters more.

I’ll stick with what I know….

17 September 2009 (Thursday) - Got Guts Ache Now

Yesterday I chopped up an apple, a leek and a courgette and mixed in yogurt and curry powder. I stuck the lot in the fridge overnight, and this morning it smelled OK. It didn’t look too bad, either. A shame it tasted almost as bad as green tea. However, I’m told that green tea contains anti-oxidants, so now having had five cups of the foul stuff, I will have no worries with regard to being accosted by an oxidant. On the minus side, I’m trumping like a thing possessed.

Today marks the end of the first week of the weight loss campaign. I’ve lost half a stone, but am still officially obese. At (about) sixteen and a half stone I need to lose another two stone until I become merely “overweight”. I say “about sixteen and a half stone” since the readings on the scales vary considerably, but that would seem to be a consensus figure. Half a stone seems to be an average amount to lose in the first week of a diet. The rate of weight loss slackens off considerably after week one. My target weight is… well, I haven’t actually got a target. I shall continue until the knee stops squeaking, or the doctor replaces it with a plastic one.

A letter arrived today from the chokey. “Norman Stanley” is now two thirds of the way through his sentence, and sounds positive. He claims to have got a clue right in the last crossword I sent him. I shall have to make the next one a tad more tricky. Let’s see what he makes of “A wendy house for Meatloaf's daughter (3,5)”. Come to that, I wonder what my loyal readership will make of it….

16 September 2009 (Wednesday) - More Salad (!!)

A late start, so I checked out the route for Saturday’s planned cycle ride. ‘er indoors ^TM did say that I was to devise a route with not much “up” in it. Well, we have had routes with more “up” – it’s not a bad one really. I’m quite looking forward to cycling out to Westwell. What with the doctor’s appointment about my gammy knee next Tuesday, I might be advised agaist cycling, and this might be my last cycle ride. Mind you, I’ve been advised against drinking to excess, and that didn’t stop me. We shall see what happens.

Then I got some “lunch” from Tesco’s. I also got some green tea. I am told that the secret of weight loss is green tea. All the top models swear by it, and they ain’t porkers. And I can remember Samantha Fox hawking green tea many years ago. Now she was epically chested, flopped them out, got had up by Esther Rantzen and then got on the other bus, so that sold me on the idea of green tea.

Diets are fine in theory. In practice, this diet’s getting beyond a joke. Today’s “lunch” scaled heights of lameness to which I have hitherto only dreamed. And the green tea. Have you ever tried it? It is truly the most awful beverage I have ever tasted. Now I think about it, didn’t Samantha Fox get had up by Esther Rantzen because green tea didn’t actually work as a weight loss product?

Meanwhile another competitor in the podge-a-thon has announced that his diet strategy is to have an apple with his dinner. I’ve made myself a “salad” for tomorrow – I’ve chopped up an apple, a leek and a courgette and mixed in yogurt and curry powder. It doesn’t sound that appetizing, but it can’t be any worse that the rubbish I had today.

15 September 2009 (Tuesday) - Salad (!)

The morning’s haul of emails brought one from Marilyn Anderson who wrote: “I am Hanna, I am 23 yo, pretty n sweet, hot body! I am cute, I am beauty! heheh My smile shall make you happy, n my soul shall make you believe”. The “believe” bit made me wonder if the righteous had finally cottoned on to using spam emails as a way of “spreading the light”, but it didn’t take many clicks to find it was only pornmongers hawking their filth. A shame – pornmongers are ten a penny on the Internet. I could do with the Holy Joe Brigade having a go.

I decided against cycling to work today. Being on late shift, I’d have to cycle home in the dark, and it was raining. Since I had a bit of time I thought I’d complete the household’s electoral register return. One year I’m not going to wait until the red reminder letter comes. Now you can do it on line. That saved a trip to the post office.

To Tesco to buy my "lunch". The retard on the till was struggling. He picked up the apple I was trying to buy and spent a good minute looking for the bar code before asking me if I remembered what it had said on the label on the shelf. I resisted the temptation of sarcasm, and said it was a Golden Delicious. But when he picked up the next item, evil got the better of me. "That f...ellow's a banana, mate!".

Being on a late start, I didn’t get to eat my lunch" until 2pm. It wasn’t worth the wait….

14 September 2009 (Monday) - Stuff

Last night I had words with the first fruit of my loin. He is on earlies this week. The phrases “quiet as a mouse” and “ninja stealth” were mentioned with reference to his getting up at silly o’ clock. This morning I was awoken at 5.30am by something which was not as “quiet as a mouse”, nor was it employing “ninja stealth”. Had last night’s conversation featured phrases such as “Krakatoa, east of Java” I might have been more impressed with his instruction following ability. This afternoon I think I found the cause of the noise. He’s dug out his old skateboard. Perhaps he’s skateboarding downstairs in the mornings?

Continuing with the weight loss campaign, I cycled to work. Where I spent the entire day sulking. I’m not really sure why. I stuck an idiot grin on my face, and tried to make the most of it, but my heart wasn’t in it today. On the plus side I managed to book another visit at the chokey, and it took less than two hours.

And then I cycled home again to find a letter from my doctor. Last week both the doctor and the foxy X-ray bird said I should phone the surgery in a week or so to get the result. Today I came home to a letter (dated last Thursday) asking me to make an appointment to discuss the X-Ray. At first sight, I thought this was somewhat ominous. So I phoned the surgery and they’ve given me an appointment for eight days hence. It can’t be that ominous.

13 September 2009 (Sunday) - Gardening, Shopping, Digging

I dare say most people would relish being woken by a woman whispering “Hey, sexy…” in dulcet tones. However, I rise above such base instincts (usually). Mostly because it was my phone telling me I had a text message. You can always tell people who have small children. They are always texting at silly o’clock on Sunday mornings. Oh well, he will regret that move – when he’s not looking, I shall set light to his dustbin. And I needed to get up anyway.

The reason we didn’t stay overnight at Sumner’s Ponds yesterday was that with “Daddies Little Angel ^TM ” being out for the night, I could clean out the pond filter without getting grief about using the bath. So that’s what I did. And then my morning continued in much the same gardening vein. Pond filter scrubbed and rebuilt, pond water topped up, lawn mowed, edges trimmed, next door’s overgrowth given a haircut, and more fish food bought.

Half way to Tenterden pond shop I nearly ran down a cyclist. And then another. Being a cyclist myself, other cyclists wind me up. Some roads lend themselves to bike rides. Bypasses and A-roads don’t. And they especially don’t lend themselves to fat-bottomed cyclists who are so unsteady that they are weaving all over the road along which traffic moves at 60 mph.

The pond shop were having an end of season clearance sale, and I got a couple of fish. I don’t really need any more, but two Koi for £8.50 seemed a bargain. On the minus side, they’d sold out of NishiKoi food, so I had to get “TetraPond Koi Stix” to which the Koi don’t seem very partial. Oh well, they can eat it or they can go hungry. I’m not buying any more fish food until that’s gone.

The text I received earlier was to ask if I wanted to go up to the Goose Fair this morning. My original plan was to be there all day with the astronomy club. But… About a week or so ago there was talk of a day at Hever Castle today, and when I realised the astro club had enough help for the Goose Fair, I backed out of helping with the stall. Somewhere along the way the talk of Hever Castle seemed to stop, so I would have liked to have gone to the Goose Fair as a visitor, but once the morning’s garden jobs were done and I’d got fish food, the day was half gone.

So, for what was left of the day, we went to the arky-ologee dig. Where four of us scrubbled about in a hole for an hour and a half. We found some manky bits of broken pots, and some iron ore. The two looked identical. But we managed to prove that in Roman and prehistoric times, people were mucking about on Lenham Heath. Disappointment was expressed at the low turn out – four out of a membership of over forty. But Challock Goose Fair was on today – that would have pulled the punters in. And I can’t help but wonder how many of the club membership you can expect to go along to do digging. For myself I go to the archaeology club which meets in the evening. The evening – after dark in the village hall. Where we listen to someone who’s done archaeology telling us what happened. I have absolutely no interest at all in getting my hands dirty. I suspect the vast majority of the club membership are the same. It’s a shame the club management don’t see it that way.

Meanwhile I am reliably assured that Glenn’s “fanny magnet” has hit the streets. For the uninitiated, this is a vehicle which would seem to exhibit a magnetic attraction to…. well, I’m not sure what it’s going to magnetise. But I expect that whatever it does magnetise will be disappointed.